Helping Our Students At This Time Of Loss

Deeply saddened to hear about today's tragic accident and the passing of one of our Pack, I immediately started thinking about what tomorrow will be like when students start arriving back on campus. Our principal Robin Ballarin has already sent out information to staff regarding the availability of grief counselors on campus. Still, as a librarian, my "go to" instinct is to seek out information.

Below are some excerpts from resources I have found helpful and that I share with you. I know that each of you have important relationships with students on our campus, and your support makes a difference.

NOTE: Information is either directly copied and/or slightly edited for relevancy. Sources are credited at the bottom of each section.

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Emotional First Aid

During the first few days following the death of a student or adult in the school community, each adult will be responsible for administering emotional first aid to those in distress. The goal of emotional first-aid is to give people permission to express their emotions during this time of acute distress.

Emotional first aid is the freely giving of support without becoming invasive. The first stage of emotional first aid is through words. Keep your words simple and be brief.

• Use simple questions.
  "Can I help?"
• Use simple suggestions.
  "It's okay to let it out."
• Use simple comments.
  "It must really hurt."
  "You must feel very bad."

During the grief process, a person may quickly switch emotions. The primary switch of emotions while crying is to anger. Encourage the person to express his/her anger without pushing it to the point of rage. The best way to be encouraging is to accept the person's feelings of anger.

When administering emotional first aid, don't push the contact with the grieving person.  Take "no" for an answer. If you are concerned about the well being of the person, stay nearby, find them something to drink, or make some gesture of caring for his/her well being.

Source: Crisis, Traumatic Event, Death, Grief, and Bereavement 
(Mississippi Bend Area Education Agency)

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Grief Reactions of Concern

• Flashbacks 
• Emotional numbing or depression 
• Nightmares 
• Avoidance or withdrawal 
• Peer relationship problems 
• Substance abuse or other high-risk behavior 

Signs That Additional Help Is Needed 
Adults should be particularly alert to any of the following as indicators that trained mental health professional (school psychologist or counselor) should be consulted for intervention and possible referral:

• Severe loss of interest in daily activities (e.g., extracurricular activities and friends) 
• Disruption in ability to eat or sleep 
• School refusal 
• Fear of being alone 
• Repeated wish to join the deceased 
• Severe drop in school achievement 
• Suicidal references or behavior

Students Who May be at Higher Risk for Emotional Distress

Students who:

• were close friends 
• witnessed the accident
• shared a class 
• shared extracurricular activities
• shared a similar characteristic 
• had a troubled or strained relationship with the deceased
• have suffered a recent loss
• are isolated or lack a personal support network
• have a history of prior or concurrent losses and/or emotional difficulties

Source: Death and Grief: Supporting Children and Youth

(National Association of School Psychologists)

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Reactions after a loss can have a significant impact on learning. 

Students may:

• Show a decline in school performance 
• Have difficulty mastering new material
• Become more irritable 
• Become more withdrawn 
• Become more anxious or depressed 
• Become more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors such as substance abuse, promiscuity, reckless driving, and suicide attempts in adolescents 
• Become focused on the loss 

What Teachers Can Do

• Listen – to what students want to share with you. It may be difficult but just listening can be a powerful healing force. 
• Protect – students from becoming re-traumatized.  Sometimes other students may ridicule or bully students who are highly emotional or cry. 
• Connect – with students by asking how they are doing; checking in with them on a regular basis; letting them know that you are available to listen; or giving them positive feedback about their attendance or classroom work.
• Model – adult behavior that shows them how responsible adults react to loss and respond to a crisis.  Adults may grieve, but they continue to act with consideration and maintain calm routines at school.
• Teach – Teach students about the normal signs and symptoms of grief and/or trauma so that students can assess and understand their own behavior and learn new ways of coping. 

Source: Guidelines for Responding to the Death of a Student or School Staff 
(National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement)

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Reminders About Grief

Everyone grieves differently:

• One teen may want to talk about death
• Another may choose to cry
• One might write about their experiences in a journal or chat room
• Some choose to express their grief in creative/artistic ways
• Others are physical in their grief - participating in sports or other big energy activities
• No one way is the right way to grieve - your way of grieving is right for you

The Bill of Rights of Grieving Teens
By Teens at The Dougy Center

A grieving teen has the right….

• to know the truth about the death, the deceased, and the circumstances.
• to have questions answered honestly.
• to be heard with dignity and respect.
• to be silent and not tell you her/his grief emotions and thoughts.
• to not agree with your perceptions and conclusions.
• to see the person who died and the place of the death.
• to grieve any way she/he wants without hurting self or others.
• to feel all the feelings and to think all the thoughts of his/her own unique grief.
• to not have to follow the “Stages of Grief” as outlined in a high school health book.
• to grieve in one’s own unique, individual way without censorship.
• to be angry at death, at the person who died, at God, at self, and at others.
• to have his/her own theological and philosophical beliefs about life and death.
• to be involved in the decisions about the rituals related to the death.
• to not be taken advantage of in this vulnerable mourning condition and circumstances.
• to have guilt about how he/she could have intervened to stop the death.

Some Basic Principles of Teen Grief

• Grief is a natural reaction to death and other losses. However, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death. The sense of being out of control that is often a part of grief may overwhelm or frighten some teens. Grieving is normal and healthy, yet may be an experience teens resist and reject. Helping teens accept the reality that they are grievers allows them to do their grief work and to progress in their grief journey.
• Each teen’s grieving experience is unique. Grieving is a different experience for each person. Teens grieve for different lengths of time and express a wide spectrum of emotions. Grief is best understood as a process in which bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors surface in response to the death, its circumstances, the past relationship with the deceased and the realization of the future without the person. For example, sadness and crying may be an expression of grief for one teen, while another may respond with humor and laughter. This can generate a great deal of tension and misunderstanding. Each person’s responses to death should be honored as his or her way of coping in that moment. Keep in mind that responses may change from day to day or even from hour to hour.
• There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve. There is no correct way to grieve. Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules nor is it a course to be evaluated or graded. No book or grief therapist can predict or prescribe exactly what a teen will or should go through on the grief journey. While many theories and models of the grieving process provide a helpful framework, the path itself is an individual one, and often lonely. Adults can best assist grieving teenagers by accompanying them on their journey in the role of listener and learner, and by allowing the teen to function as a teacher.
• There are “helpful” and “unhelpful” choices and behaviors associated with the grieving process. Some behaviors that are constructive and encourage facing grief, such as: 
• talking with trusted friends
• journaling
• creating art
• expressing emotion rather than holding it inside

• Grief is ongoing. Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity. Many grievers have compared their grieving to the constantly shifting tides of the ocean; ranging from calm, low tides to raging high tides that change with the seasons and the years.

Dos and Don’ts with Grieving Students

DO:

• listen. Grieving students need a safe, trusted adult who will listen to them.
• follow routines. Routines provide a sense of safety which is very comforting to the grieving student.
• set limits. Just because students are grieving, doesn’t mean that the rules do not apply. When grieving, students may experience lapses in concentration or exhibit risk taking behavior. Setting clear limits provides a more secure and safer environment for everyone under these circumstances.

DO NOT:

• suggest that the student has grieved long enough.
• indicate that the student should get over it and move on.
• act as if nothing has happened.
• say things like:
• “It could be worse.”
• “I know how you feel.”
• “You’ll be stronger because of this.”
• expect the student to complete all assignments on a timely basis.

Source: Dougy Center; The National Center for Grieving Children & Families